Giant Furry Creatures

Only three words can describe yesterday in Hampden: Mayor’s Christmas Parade. This fun filled annual event (38 years strong!) brings lawn chair toting slack jawed yokels from all over Baltimore to see the single most depressing array of parade “floats,” marching bands, over the hill baton twirlers, Shriners, tiny horses, and yes, the mayor of Baltimore, pelting the malnourished, stringy haired, foul mouthed children of Hampden with Brach’s Starlight mints from the palatial comfort of the back of a convertible. If only Hampden had a book depository. I have witnessed many near death experiences as crack addled mothers shove their scrawny tykes out into the parade to snatch up “some of them candies.”  Now, I’m not a big parade person. But this combination makes for a magical experience. And yet I was willing to leave it all to see Burlesque with Ms. Hamm. What can I say? After two days of trying to render Hebrew bibliographic entries into English, even the now dude-like Cher seemed a better option than spending another moment hunched over the tiny screen of my 2004 Powerbook, surrounded by citation print outs and Chick-O-Stick wrappers while muttering angrily at Czech diacriticals that, as far as I can tell, are rendered into dialectical Klingon by Zotero. Thanks to Ms. Hamm’s blood hound like ability to scent out an opportunity to make fun of the misfortune of others, we found ourselves with the chance to take some photos in the parade’s staging area up the street.  She spotted the disturbingly erect tail of a Furry across several lanes of traffic; next thing I knew, we were blasting into the parking lot and interrogating these costume clad do-gooders, Critters for a Cause. Now, they were very nice, and they had logo shirts. But they purported to be non-profit fundraisers, yet were unable to describe either their non-profit status, or for whom they were raising funds. So I determined that they are still fair game as the object of ridicule.  Because they are wearing incredibly creepy animal costumes that no child could possibly want to be hugged by or photographed with, which they were all about.  And because they are so nice, they got dressed up for us, and posed for a photo. One of them hugged Lisa, and she’s still a little overwhelmed by the experience.

I believe that's a wolf, deer, raccoon, and hyena that we're looking at. Unfortunately you're unable to see the extremely erect tail of the hyena.

It was the high point of my day, Burlesque and all. Please enjoy these other photos of parade highlights.

 

Ahoy Hampden! Parade “float” at its most literal.

Vroom! The Zem Zem Shriners take a sharp left at the Rite Aid. Those carpets are undoubtedly hand loomed by third world children. But don’t worry, I’m sure the Shriners are raising money to straighten their teeth.

Ah, the Lipizzaner stallions of Hampden. Look how they prance in unison down the Falls Road!

Children unsure of their gender roles? These delightful throwbacks should set them on the proper path.

Extra credit to Hampden Junque owner Michal Makarovich and his extraordinary Pee Wee Herman nativity scenes. Baby Jesus has never looked so dapper. I like a festive Holy Family.

Way to speak truth to power, Hampden Junque. I have no illusions about the state of your festive orbs.

 

I realize this is a lot to take in. But you have to keep in mind the exponential crap that the parade brings ’round. I mean, on top of the normal dog excrement, it adds the potential for equine droppings, both tiny and Clydesdalian, not to mention what those Furries might get up to behind my bushes. So I was both surprised and saddened at this week’s low and unexciting crap count:

For the week ending December 5:

PAPER GOODS, Food related

• 2 Napkins

PAPER GOODS, Non-food

• 1 Receipt, Falkenhan’s Hardware
• 1 Lotto ticket

FOOD & DRINK, Savory

• 1 Coffee cup, Royal Farms

FOOD & DRINK, Sweet

• 1 Coca Cola
• 1 M & Ms Fun Size, Peanut
• 1 Crispy Cream donut paper
• 12 Brach’s Starlight Mint wrappers (thanks, Mayor Stephanie Rawlings-Blake)

MISCELLANEOUS

• 2 Cigarette wrappers
• 5 Cigarette butts
• 1 Cigarette foil
• 1 Cigarette pack, Pall Mall
• 2 Plastic bags; 1 Royal Farms

ACTUAL CRAP

• 1 Pile, very loose

If I am found murdered in my bed, be sure to have Baltimore CSI look for synthetic hyena hair on my mauled and badly decomposing corpse.